Harry Pothead and the Chamber of Rapists
by Sweet Tang
Summary: They're back...
1. Chapter 1

The last half of 6th grade passed by fast, and everyone (sort of) passed their finals. While most of the students left to go visit their families over the summer, Harry, Heroin, and Ron, along with a handful of other students, stayed there for the summer. As you can guess, with no classes in session they were even more out of control than usual.

"All right," Heroin told Neville. "25 cents for one ride down the staircase."

They had ordered 50 tons of fake snow to cover the house with, and had created a sled ride using a mattress on the staircase. Eventually, the second-story floor started to leak down to the first floor, so Harry set some newspaper down over the wet spot. However, on the night before school resumed, Dobby the child slave entered Harry's room without knocking.

"God damnit, Dobby!!" He threw an issue of _Hustler_ on the floor and pulled a blanket over himself.

"Would you like Dobby to pick up your pants, sir?"

"No," Harry screamed. "Just get out!"

"But sir, Dobby came here to warn you that your life is in grave danger!"

"What?"

"Mr. Pothead," Dobby went on. "You cannot return to school this year. Terrible things are happening at Hogwarts. Please, sir, promise Dobby you will not return."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever."

"And one more thing, sir?"

"Yes?" Harry asked, irritated.

"Dobby's birthday is today sir. Dobby is six years old. The other slaves are throwing Dobby a party in the kitchens tonight after everyone goes to bed. Would Mr. Harry Pothead care to come?" He smiled innocently.

"Dobby," Harry said. "Come here."

Dobby approached him. Harry rolled up a magazine and smacked the little boy across the face.

"Get the fuck out of my room!!"

"Yes, sir." He turned and left.

***

The rest of the students returned early the next morning, and everyone met up for breakfast in the lunchroom.

"Yeah, we had so much fun in Egypt this summer," Fred said. "Sorry we didn't pay for enough free plane tickets, Ron."

"And speaking of plane tickets," George said. "We have someone we'd like you to meet. This is our little sister, Ginny. She's a sixth-grader."

There was a quiet, sweet-looking red-headed girl sitting next to the twins.

"I'm hungry," she spoke for the first time. "Does anyone have breakfast?"

Heroin handed her a cigarette.

"You better inhale, bitch," she told her. "I don't like posers."

"No," Ginny said. "I mean, does anyone have any food?"

"Most of the people don't eat here," Heroin explained. "Don't get us wrong, it's not like we're anorexic or anything; that's for the Mary-Kate Olsen table over there."

She pointed to a group of girls sitting at a nearby table fighting over a crumb.

"We're just always too fucked up on drugs to remember to eat."

"Here," Harry said, handing Ginny a small bag of chips. "You should try to find some money so you can use the vending machines. I'll always have food because I always get the munchies."

"Thanks," she said quietly, taking his offering.

"So what are you in here for anyway?" Heroin asked.

"Oh, I'm a nymphomaniac."

"Oh," Heroin said sounding shocked. "You really cut to the point."

"Oh, Ginny, I'm so thrilled you're here with me," Ron said tearfully.

"Shut up, Ron," she said. "Before I cut your balls off. Oh, wait, you don't have any!"

"Wow," Heroin said, "I'm gaining more respect for this girl by the minute."

"Shut it!" Ginny yelled at Heroin. "I can tell you're a whore just by looking at you! Whore! Whore!!! WHORE!!!!"

"Ha, she called you a whore," Harry laughed, pointing.

"I'm not a whore," Heroin argued. "I don't get paid."

"Harry, can you walk me to my first class?" Ginny asked him politely.

"Sure." The two of them left the lunchroom and were on their way to Math.

"You know, Harry, that was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

"What is?"

"Giving me those chips," he said. "Anyone else would have let me starve."

"Yeah, well…"

They approached the classroom and went inside. The teacher was attempting to explain basic math to the students.

"One plus one is… Yes, Jimmy?"

"Two?"

"No you idiot! It's three!"

"No, teacher," Harry said, "I think it really is two."

"I'll run this class the way I want!! Do you want to teach?! Do you want to get up here and do my job?!?!?!"

"No ma'am."

"I didn't think so!" She got out a bottle of Jack Daniel's and took a swig. "I'm getting too old for this job."

"Harry," Ginny resumed. "I think you're a really cool boy…" She suddenly lifted up her shirt and flashed him.

"Okay, Mosquito Bites, time for class," Harry said, pushing her inside the room. Then he left the class, shaking his head.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer:_ **We do not own Harry Potter or J.K. Rowling. (Though we wish we did.)**

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Gilderoy Padlock was the gayest man the world had ever seen. But some reason every woman he came across had a massive crush on the flamboyant man. He waxed his eyebrows and styled his perfect gelled hair twice a day, and if he couldn't talk with his hand he wouldn't talk at all. Rumor has it he got his unusual last name because, in high school, he emotionally padlocked his heart by telling his girlfriend he wanted to wait until marriage.

Gilderoy Padlock had been ordered to Hogwarts to be an inspirational speaker. After graduating from the infamous rehab, he went on to earn a Doctorate's degree in anthropology and had written numerous novels recalling his experiences. He had come to preach at a school where the average dropout rate was age 14.

"Why, hello class! How are my beautiful children this evening?"

"What are you talking about?" a random boy said. "It's the middle of the morning! They woke us up at 6 a.m. so we could listen to this shit!!"

"Actually," Padlock said, "It's 6 p.m. But I wouldn't be surprised if this is early for you, you silly tweaker geese." Then he giggled hysterically. "Now, does anyone here plan on going to college?"

Everyone snorts in amusement.

"Was that snorting I just heard? You recovering addicts should be ashamed!'

"Aaah," Heroin moaned. "The way you insult people turns me on the way small children's pain does."

"So," Padlock continued. "Do we have any recovering heroin addicts in here?"

"Oh God, we were made for each other!!" She could barely contain herself now.

"I have brought a large shipment of methadone-"

Before he could finish talking several slutty girls in the front row attacked him and ripped the bottle out of his hands.

"Out of my way, bitches!!!" Heroin stormed through the crowd and dog-piled the girls, walking away munching down the pills. Everyone in the class looked like they could kill. One of the girls ran forward.

"TEAR THAT BITCH APART!!"

A massive bitch-fight ensues, with hair-pulling, head-bashing, ear-biting, and limb-removing.

"I bet $50 on Heroin," one boy said, as Heroin beat another girl with her own amputated leg, "She's vicious."

In the back of the room, Gilderoy stood there and shook his head.

"Ah, girls. Just how they used to be."

The girls grabbed Neville and ripped off his clothes, then hung him from the ceiling. Beneath him they started a massive bonfire and danced around it like savages. After a few minutes everything calmed down and the students started filing out of the classroom as Harry just arrived.

"What the hell did I miss?!" he asked. "The one time I'm late for class all the girls start making out and performing virgin sacrifices."

He looked up at Neville. Neville stared back down.

"Why is it always me?"

"Cause you're easy to manipulate," Harry responded with a shrug. "Well, bye."

He then left Neville to go join the rest of the group.

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	3. Chapter 3

**_Diclaimer:_ **_We don't own anything except original plot and characters_

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After his first year of "training", Harry was having his first hockey game. Few people actually watched the games when they had them. I mean, who would really want to watch a bunch of stoners and crack heads trying to play hockey? But those who did attended watched full-heartedly. Mostly because they loved to laugh at how horribly they played.

Harry was on the field standing against the goal, waiting for the game to start. Their opponents were from another rehab center called Geestrang's for steroid abusers. They were extremely muscular and their clothes looked like they were about to rip off, which pleased all the girls there greatly.

Harry glanced at his competition's buffness, and then looked at his own team. All of them were moaning and falling over like they were dying from a disease.

Harry sighs, "We are going to die."

"Welcome everyone," announced Lee Jordan, the MC, "to our first game of the year."

There a few claps and several coughs. Heroin, Professor McGonagall, and (unfortunately) Ron were acting as the cheerleaders for Hogwarts. McGonagall and Heroin were wearing their casual clothes (in Heroin's case, her casual nothing) and red and gold face paint. While Ron, getting too much into the sporting spirit, wore a cheering outfit complete with a miniskirt.

"Give me a 'Q', give me an 'R', give me an 'X'," Ron cheered.

"What the hell are you spelling?" a guy from the crowd yelled.

"Your mother's name, you whore!" Ron retorted.

"Um, I think Ron has been spending too much time with Ginny," Heroin said, as the guy from the stands started attacking him, "He's gone nuts."

Lee continued his announcement, "Today's game is the Hogwarts Hippos against the Geestrang's Gladiators. The game will start- what the- well, it looks like Professor McGonagall's streaking onto the field again."

McGonagall was sprinting across the field naked, wailing an Indian war cry.

"Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers!" McGonagall cackled.

"Hey!" Heroin screamed after her, "that was my idea, you bitch."

"Well," Lee said, "might as well start the game now."

Both teams got to their places as Staggered, who was referee, walked to the center of the field. Staggered was about to drop the puck when a shot rang out and Harry screamed.

"AHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!" Harry yelled in pain. He had been shot in the arm.

"Penalty!" Staggered yelled.

"What?!" one of the guys from Geestrang's exclaimed, "We didn't even touch him yet!"

"Oh, well in that case, since Hogwarts doesn't have a goalie, the Gladiators win by forfeit."

"Eh whatever," said Dumbledope, "the only reason we have a hockey team is to get funding."

"HELLO?!" Harry screamed, "Can someone help me here!!"

"Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming," Gilderoy Padlock said, "stand back everyone, I'm a doctor."

"A doctor of what?" Harry asked with doubt.

"Just hold still. I'll have this bullet out in a jiffy. This might sting a little."

Padlock grabbed Harry's arm held it in front of him. Then, he karate-chopped Harry's arm, breaking the bone. Harry screamed so loud that he caused an 8.5 earthquake in China.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!," Harry yelled, hugging his broken arm.

"What?" Padlock said innocently, holding up the dislodged bullet, "I got the bullet out."

"But did you really have to pulverize his arm to do it?" Heroin asked.

"Well, no. But it was a funnier way to do it."

Harry gave Gilderoy a death glare.

"You are so lucky I can't move or would murder you right now." Harry said menacingly.

"Enough," Dumbledope intervened, "Alright, Harry. Let's get you to the hospital wing."

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	4. Chapter 4

Harry was greeted in the hospital wing later that day by Ron with a large bouquet of flowers.

"Flowers! Flowers, you fucktard! What the hell am I supposed to do with these?"

"Perhaps you could wipe your ass with them," Ron suggested. "I only picked the softest ones."

"No wonder everyone hates you!" Harry screamed.

"People hate me?!" Ron asked, shocked. "I had no idea!"

"What the hell do you think those daily death threats you get are? Practical jokes?"

"Oh my god! My perception of reality is shattered!"

"Why do you always forget that?" Harry demanded. "I've told you this a million times!"

"Oh. Yeah." Ron leaves as Heroin enters, and they bump into each other.

"Move, bitch!" She bustles by angrily. "Harry, Harry, you won't believe what I saw!"

"What, has the Chamber of Rapists been re-opened?"

"No, I just saw Madam Hoochie naked, and she's actually a chick." Heroin takes a seat next to his bed. "Oh, and yeah, the Chamber of Rapists has been re-opened."

"I thought Madam Hoochie was dead."

"I know," Heroin replied, eyebrow raised and giggling devilishly.

"So what is the Chamber of Rapists anyways?" Harry inquired. "I thought it was the name of the teachers' lounge."

"No, no, from what I hear, fifty years ago, there was a big prostitution cult ring, and dozens of students were either forced to join or were molested. Viciously."

"And it's been re-opened?"

"There's a message written in shit in the girls' bathroom saying, 'Virgins beware, the chamber has been re-opened.'"

"Well I'm safe," Harry sighed with relief.

"Yeah," Heroin agreed. "I'm not even a backdoors' virgin since meeting my Uncle Charlie two Christmases ago."

"What about Ron?"

"Did you really need to ask that question, Harry?"

"Yeah, I guess that was pretty obvious. Oh well, one less douche bag in our lives."

"Come on, Harry," she protested. "If he didn't sacrifice himself last year we wouldn't have been able to get to the Magician's Stones."

He throws the contents of his full bedpan in her face.

"Let I remind you that that was the worst thing that I have ever inhaled into my lungs! Second of all, Ron didn't sacrifice himself, we sacrificed him!"

"Technicalities, technicalities," she went on. "Besides, without Ron who would bring us breakfast in bed, and whose mom would pay off our credit card debts? And who would pay for your subscription to Playboy, and make sure we get straight A's in McGonagall's class?"

"Hustler!" He retorted. "Playboy's too cheap! But I guess you have a point."

"Then it's settled," Heroin proclaimed, "we'll make sure Ron doesn't get raped or forced to join a cult."

"Alright, deal."

Just then, the nurse came.

"It's time for you leave, Miss Granger," she said, "It's time for Harry's sponge bath."

Heroin gave the nurse a death glare.

"That's my job. Bitch!" she screamed. Heroin slugs her in the face, knocking the nurse out. She then proceeded to yell as she pulled at her hair and jumps out the window into the night while screaming, "CAW, CAW!" flapping her arms wildly.

Harry sighs, "I know weird people."

"Yes, you do."

"Ah! What the- Dobby!"

"I told you that you shouldn't have stayed," Dobby said.

"Damn it Dobby," Harry yelled, "don't sneak up on me! You're lucky I can't beat you right now, since the nurse is in the room."

The nurse is lying unconscious on the floor, drooling, with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.

"And don't worry," Harry continued. "I'm used to my life being threatened daily."

"Fine," the child-slave said. "But don't say Dobby didn't warn you."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!"

Dobby quickly scurries away.

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